It’s weird when you know you don’t feel like yourself. It’s like you almost feel like this is the new normal. Nothing really lights you up. Nothing seems to be moving the way you want or need it to. Everything feels like moving through a heavy fog. But you don’t even notice it… that is not until you feel something different. You don’t even realize your light has been dimmed until one day it suddenly returns.
This is what happened to me. And in some deep reflection, I see it’s been this way since 2019 / 2020. I have been in survival mode. Two kids, covid, a business, yoga teachers and community that I care for so dearly. I felt it was all mine to tend to. I remember when covid first hit, I felt like we were a flock and I had to protect our flock. Since then I think I may have veered over to the unhealthy side of this caregiving- always caring for others at the expense of myself. Sometimes its emotional, sometimes financial and even sometimes at the expense of my health.
This summer our financial prospects weren’t great. I realized I was paying everyone else and couldn’t really afford my own life (and I live pretty simply). I found myself resentful. And resentment, I know, means I am over giving. It isn’t anyone else’s fault. Somehow I have been trained that this is the way to be “good.” When I made the choice to go to Sedona, I knew I had to start making choices for me. My kids are grown and out of school (even though they were both living with me still) but they don’t need me to be the caregiver any more. The yoga studio has an amazing group of teachers who could run the show without me. So I took that leap and went away for three weeks on my Sedona adventure. You all know how that turned out! Lots of unexpected twists and turns. BUT… for three whole weeks the only person’s needs I had to meet were my own. I slept when I wanted to sleep. I ate when and what I wanted to eat. I watched bad Netflix shows. Read good books. I stayed and rested or went out and hiked just because… not because it was the “right” time.
So much of my identity had become wrapped up in caring for, tending to, and making things happen for everyone else. And when I stepped away from all of that, I found that the person underneath all of my roles / responsibilities was still there. She was just a little quiet. She still loved exploring, creating, learning, moving, resting, and simply being. I didn't need to become someone new. I needed to reconnect with the person I had always been. Those three weeks were like a massive reconciliation. How can I move forward and care for myself while also caring for the things I love? How can I give without overgiving? Mind you no one asks me to overgive… that’s just my insecurities and people pleasing at play. Why is my people pleasing here and how do I shift to a healthy balance? (Those are all lengthy writings for another day! There’s a host of things to unpack there.)
Since I have been home I have been working on this new dance. I am asking teachers to do more so we can embody our statement “You Belong Here.” I am cultivating more relationships and connection points with each of you. And we are building something beautiful! In the spirit of learning to not overextend myself, last month we hosted INSPIRPED: Open House and Fall Market and for the first time in my life, I delegated everything! Anaya and Allie took care of all of the artists, Blake created the yoga schedule, Amanda crafted social media, weekly teachers taught the classes. Everyone took a grain of sand and it was such a special day! Artists, teachers and our community showed up! I have to say it was one of my top 10 days in 21 years of owning this space. Watching everyone share their gifts and magic to bring something new to life was amazing.
Here’s the magic… somehow after the market I felt my spark flicker back to life. Last Sunday, I got to teach a yoga sampler at an event here in town. And that’s when I felt my light return. I didn’t realize how long it had been gone. All of a sudden I felt like myself again. Like I hadn’t in almost seven years! I have had glimpses of the light but it’s been quiet or intermittent. But since last week I feel like I am no longer asleep. My life and the studio aren’t in triage any more. We are in growth and creation mode. My classes feel like me… like me from the old studio… my own practice calls to me versus feeling like a “have to”… Something has changed, or maybe the right word is returned. And I have a feeling it is here to stay.
The craziest part in all of this is that I didn’t even realize I was asleep / depleted. I was here. I was living. I was showing up. I was doing the things. But our studio, it was a little sleepy. My energy and ideas would wax and wane. Even my home lacked a lot of maintenance and care. Now I / we feel alive. Full of possibility. My inner light feels like each day it gets a little larger. And part of that also means I am not making everyone happy. That part is still hard for me. I still feel like I want to throw up a little when I set a boundary, say a kind no, or even ask someone to do more than they’ve done before. But what I am learning is that building the stage for everyone to find their light is way more fun than I could have imagined. It has awakened me and given me space to grow and light up from the inside out.
And I think this is where something else began to shift for me. I went away to find my own light, but since I have been home, I am realizing that I don't have to be the one holding the light for everyone else. I can build the stage, create the space, and invite others to bring their own magic. I can make room for other people to contribute, create, teach, lead, and shine. And somehow, that is even more beautiful than trying to do it all myself. Maybe that's what community and communal care is really about. Not one person tending to everyone, but all of us bringing our gifts and light into the same space.
It is my hope that this wakefulness, inspiration, returning light continue to inform how we show up for one another each day. That we create a space where each of us has room to listen in, reconnect with ourselves, explore, grow, and share our gifts. A space where we aren't just cared for by one another, but where we all have the opportunity to care, contribute, create, and shine. Imagine what becomes possible when we each bring our own light into the room and make space for everyone else's, too. May we continue to build something together that allows us all to live a little more fully and shine a little more brightly. With the gentle wakefulness… Welcome (back) to Greenville Yoga! You (and your light) Belong Here.
