My Waves of Change
Our theme this year has been Riding the Waves of Change. A year to follow the change cycle from cocoon to chrysalis to emergence to flight. Little did I know, my life would follow the squares of change so closely each season. I’ve kept you at an arms length just sharing each part of the cycle with no personal relevance. It’s time to let you in.
At the start of our year, I needed to hide and cocoon after so many changes last year (Henry off to college, Claire to High School, a break up, starting back to school myself). That’s all Square One… “I don’t know what the hell is going on and that’s okay.” I needed to sit in the big changes and the grief that comes with them. In sitting in the mess, looking at all the pieces of me and my life and how I got here, I realized no one could see what I felt on the inside- “I am unlovable.” Square One is all about grieve and disbelieve. So here I was, looking at this pain point, “I am unlovable” and I had to decide what to do. Keep the armor up so no one will know? Or do the work and live from a new perspective, unarmored and unafraid?
My first real yoga teacher, Max Strom, taught me to breathe. That removed some of the armor. I found I was safe and free in the yoga room as a student. I discovered the work of Elizabeth Gilbert, Brene Brown and Glennon Doyle and they taught me to be fully a mess and fully feeling in this messy world. Chip, chip goes the armor. I met yoga students and shared my vulnerability and made dear friends and found I was loved. The armor was slowly melting away. But still the unlovable was there. Slowly over time, I learned to share more of myself with each of you. But the whisper of unlovable was always in the back of my mind.
Last year, I found myself staying in a not good situation because “what would people think of me then.” I was still hiding myself, keeping appearances up and ignoring every part of my body that said this isn’t okay. This person stayed, so that meant I was lovable, right? One afternoon I was listening to a discovery call to see if I wanted to sign up for a training with Martha Beck. As I listened to her guide us through an Ideal Day exercise, I discovered the truth of who I was or who I wanted to be. That exercise brought me back to life. Square Two… “There are no rules and that’s okay.” I wanted to love myself and be free from this fear of lonely and unloved. I walked away from the relationship, I signed up for school and it was once again time to remove the next layer of armor and become caterpillar soup. Hours and hours of coaching and being coached.
When in school, we are asked to share our top ten fear based tunes. (You know the ones you hear like a ticker tape when you are trying to break free of societal norms?) I shared my unlovable. I had to say it aloud to a group of ten people! Talk about scary. But then, I remember the day it shifted. I had to be coached by another student to discover all the ways this story isn’t true and to let that story go once and for all. After an hour call doing the Work of Byron Katie (visit her website and you can do it on your own… game changer!) the person working with me asked, “What is one small step you can take now?” My reply, “I am going to take a nap.” I sat on the couch, cried and fell asleep. I woke up feeling super vulnerable and a little unsteady. That night, the kind person / good human / friend I was dating called to chat. We ended up on the phone for hours connecting on the deepest level we ever had. I let my armor slip away and shared more of who I am than I ever had. At the end of the conversation he blurted out, “I love you. I just do!” It was like the universe said, “See… you just had to believe you are love / loved / lovable and I will send reminders your way.” (This is big as we were together for a year back in 2019 and never were those words even close to being said. It’s not his norm. But funny enough? Now it is! He tells me all the time. And even crazier, I believe him.)
As that story goes away in my head, I no longer hear the I am unlovable. Now when I view my life, my reality is that I am very loved just as I am and just for being. I don’t have to do anything to earn that love. It’s all Square Three, the butterfly slowly breaking free of the cocoon. No longer caterpillar soup, not yet flying free… “This is harder than I thought and that’s okay.” When I freed up this space, removed the armor of that unlovable voice, I started hearing a different song… What do I want? How do I feel in this moment? How do I want to show up in this world? This is where I sit today. It is time to emerge from the cocoon and find my way to fit some new dreams into the space of my life. I am having fun trying out new things (leading our first ever yin yoga training, coaching our teachers collectively and individually to follow their dreams, and seeing clients one-on-one). But most of all, I am happy to share my story with you unarmored and unafraid, loved from the inside out.
Next month, I am honored to lead our final group class on Square 4, the Promised Land, the time of flying free. I feel I am almost there, but as we know… “Change is always happening and that’s okay.”
Pictured: One of the women who helped me to see myself while I was caterpillar soup. Photographer / Friend Amanda Ramirez, Nice Life Photography.
