I love you. You love me.

Last year, I had the amazing opportunity to visit Toronto with three girlfriends.  We were there to spend a weekend with author, Elizabeth Gilbert, and coach/author / sociologist, Martha Beck.  This weekend was magical for so many reasons that I cannot even begin to describe.  It really set the path for the idea of “resistance-free living.”  One piece that has been in my head and heart since October was a set of exercises we had to do with someone in the crowd.  We turned to a stranger and held our hands about twelve inches apart.  The stranger put their hands outside of ours.  The directions, “Outside hands, try to push inside hands closed. Inside hands, resist them.”  Of course, laughter ensued as we all tried with our might, and no hands were pushed closed.  Then the next set of instructions.  “Outside hands person, think the thought ‘I love you. You love me.’ And then resume the game.”  This time you heard squeals of delight, shrieks, Ahas, and WTFs from 900 people.  I have repeated this experiment with different types of people, in various gatherings, and even amongst a variety of ages.  Each time the same thing happens!  When you recite the magic mantra in your head, “I love you. You love me.” The person can’t help but respond energetically even if they are trying hard to resist you physically.  This was so intriguing to me, that I decided I needed to test it elsewhere.

I have to admit, I loathe it when people tailgate me.  I get pissy.  I even scowl and sometimes throw my hand out the window.  I haven’t given anyone the bird in a long time… but I think it in my head as I yell, “Come on!”  When I felt that resistance energy coming in, I started to change my tactic.  Because let’s face it, when I get mad somehow they get closer to my bumper even if I am going the same speed.  This happens to you too, right? Now when the person gets dangerously close and I feel myself getting fired up, I change my tune.  “I love you. You love me.”  Over and over it goes.  Within 30 seconds, they are two car lengths, three car lengths behind.  Magically, they turn a minute or two later.  I have tried this multiple times and each time it makes me laugh and say thank you to the empty space around me.  I am always surprised when it works.  And it works so efficiently every single time! It makes me wonder what does the other driver feel.  Does it change his / her tune too?  Are they left wondering, “Why am I slowing down? Wait, I don’t need to turn here?” All I know is that it works… EVERY SINGLE TIME!

Okay, cars are one thing.  How does this work with actual humans?  I moved from beginner to advanced training quickly- my teenage daughter.  I can somehow escalate her just by saying hello the wrong way.  I never quite know what I have done or how I could do it differently, but sometimes my mere presence can put her in a bad mood. Since October, I have tried a few household experiments.  Before any conversation, I set my tone.  “I love you. You love me.” I recite it over and over in my head until I know I am anchored in love for us both.  Then, we have the difficult conversation about being grounded, boundaries or future plans.  When the tension rises, I say, “I have to (fill in the blank… use the restroom, make a call, check on the cat, lock the front door).” I step away and continue my mantra.  Within five minutes, there is a knock on my door or a face in my doorway.  “Hey Mom, I am sorry if I was (fill in the blank.”  The first time it happened I honestly was in shock.  Could it be something so simple that it allows my daughter and I to communicate clearly? Could this be better than any parenting class I have ever taken?  Is it as simple as her feeling that love is all I have in my heart for her and her for me?  Our relationship has shifted.  It isn’t perfect, but this is the simplest way I have found for us to be healthy and free in our time together.  Defensiveness is gone.  Understanding and a common thread of love is key.

To me, this exercise has even grander implications.  Our energy can be used to divide or to unite.  Think back to the hands.  There will be no movement if we simply push and have someone resist.  Or we resist while someone pushes.  How much more movement could be made if energetically we remember our universal ONEness?  If someone has forgotten that love and connection, your gentle reminder (even when spoken in your head) may be the thread that brings them back.  And from the words of Martha Beck, “Even if you in this physical form cannot find the love, your soul remembers.  You can even begin with ‘I like you. You like me.’ When the love is hard to find.”

Please try this at home!  May your world transform before your eyes.