Today started out just like any other… to do list, kids to school, shrubs to trim and off to work (at my alternate job as a tutor for a local elementary school). I pick up my first student and we decide to go to the library first when what do I hear, but an announcement that we are on lockdown. My first thought is, “Oh sh**, I don’t know what the library lockdown procedures are.” After yelling across the hall to a teacher the librarian comes flying down the hall to help us corral 15 kids and 3 teachers into the A/V room. We made the best of it (movie time and some kids yoga), then the kids got walked back to class and Susan (a friend / yoga student) and I got locked back in the library office for the remaining hours of the lockdown. We talked about almost everything there is to talk about. I made arrangement to get my own children picked up and at about 2:30pm I was about to lose it. I practice yoga… I should be patient right? I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me. Then I got in my car and I saw it so clearly. Here is what I learned from a day of lockdown:
My self-esteem is tied to the amount I get done in a day. For the first half of the day I was fine, but later I kept thinking of all the things I needed to do- clean the house, check and respond to email, grocery shop, pick up kids. But guess what? All that got done after the lockdown just as easily and some of it I am choosing to ignore. Why after all this time doing yoga are there still times where I feel like I need to be “getting something done” to be a person of value? It was such a strange realization. My best laid plans were foiled and I learned something new in the process- to let it go! Once I left the school and got both my kids home I sat down and took a breath. Breathe in- grateful everyone is safe. Breathe out- grateful for the amazing crew at school. Breathe in. Breathe out. This focus on the breath and being grateful helped me shift from a self-destructive inner critic to a mind that can see things a little clearer and with a little more gratitude for the moment at hand.