How do I write and explain all that happened the last five days of my time away? How do I explain all the little things I noticed in myself and others? How do I put in to words all of these bittersweet emotions and discoveries? I don’t think I can do it justice. I guess I can explain it all via my last text of yoga camp to Karen and Mickey: “This one time at yoga camp… I discovered I like who I am and that I am a good yoga teacher.” This may sound simple to you, but huge for me. Even now saying it aloud in this blog, my heart beat quickens and my hands start to get a little shaky. This is new territory for me. I guess I have this fear (because I have seen it in other yoga teachers) that once I believe in myself I will have an ego the size of Texas. What I realize is there is a difference between self-assurance and ego. Self-assurance, to me, is that quiet, grounded place inside that remembers everything is as it should be. I don’t think I would have found this place without the practice of social silence. This inner quiet and non-distraction let me see things so clearly. If I had been allowed, I would have returned to my room and escaped to a good novel. This was not permitted. We were to stay in silence with no external distractions. This was a true gift that taught me so much.
Needless to say, I left our training empowered and full of new insights. On my return home, I wanted to write something about how this was life changing. But I knew I hadn’t returned to my life to see if I could include it all. Sunday provided me with such a slow transition as I got to spend the day in New England with a good friend just talking about matters of the spirit and good books. I arrived home to Brian and a quiet home. This was more than I could have asked for. Waking up the next day various forms of chaos broke open- kids fighting, another leak in the new floor, people not thinking before they speak. At first I felt overwhelmed, hyper-sensitive and really raw. My friend Alón has spent time with Sarah in training and said to me, “Re-entry is a bitch. Tell Brian to take extra good care of you and you just rest.” I took his advice to heart. Yesterday was the first day I was not on the verge of tears each moment. The tears weren’t bad, simply an openness and a feeling of being raw and not sure how to manage it.
As I have slowly returned to real life (versus retreat life), I see that my time away was life-changing. So many lessons learned. So many wonderful practices to add into my day. So many ways to wake up and see life exactly as it is. What a gift.