One of our kind students wanted to share what Yoga means for her. We may never know the people we are breathing next to, their daily struggles or daily successes. But showing up and being together has a tremendous impact on each student. Whether you realize it or not…
My first thought every morning is, “Am I thin enough today?”
Without even meaning to, I take stock, checking to see if my stomach protrudes more or less than the morning before, Am I getting fatter? or Am I getting thinner? Has there been a trend over the past few weeks that I need to offset by exercising more or eating less? How does each pair of pants or skirt feel around my waist, shirt around my breasts, compared to the last time I wore it? This scan happens in an instant.
Every morning, without fail, my first thought upon waking, rising from my bed, is this.
Of course I have not weighed myself in many years, nor have I thrown up, restricted my food intake, taken laxatives or compulsively over-exercised; I have been in Recovery for quite some time.
So after I’ve checked my form in the mirror; or if I’m avoiding mirrors for a time, I check against my clothes, I go to the kitchen and start the coffee and make a breakfast anyway. I am careful to include enough protein units, because I’ve been through enough hunger-headaches and fainting-spells to know better than skipping by now, and I get on with my day.
I doubt a person would know by looking at me, or by knowing my lengthy journey in Recovery that every. single. morning. I still awake to the voice of my Eating Disorder.
And every single morning I acknowledge this voice, then I let it pass. I make my breakfast, I start my day, and wait for the next moment my Disorder will interrupt my thoughts, so that I may say, “Hello, Disorder,” and let him pass again.
This, to me, is Yoga.